Quick background information: B2ST’s Junhyung and KARA’s Hara’s relationship was announced to the public last week. It was confirmed by both their companies that the two are dating and there were plenty of pictures to go with it aswell.
Despite knowing I will never have a chance with my bias, why do i feel betrayed?
What you are feeling right now is completely normal and acceptable. Everyone with a bias knows the amount of dedication and emotion that is attached to having a bias. A generalisation of having a bias is having a whole folder of images of them on your laptop, you watch fan cams of them, you watch their cuts on a variety show, you follow their twitter, you watch the dramas they star in, you blog about them, you listen to their songs, you create gifs or edits of them, you have seen majority of their appearances on music shows, you know their interests, you purchase their music, you know random facts about them, you know their personality and their relationship with other idols and thinking about them just makes you happy. It’s not all aesthetics though, fans with bias aspire to be like them or admire their talent, humour, voice, acting, dance skills, goals and outlook on life.
So having invested so much time, effort and emotion into having a bias, with an announcement of them dating someone … it is okay to feel hurt and betrayed.
Feeling hurt and betrayed
You have hundreds of unanswered questions. ‘Why didn’t I see this coming?… I know everything about them… Why her? Why him? Why now? I thought their ideal type was… this doesn’t make sense? Does that mean my bias is going to get anti’s? What happens to my OTP now? Why didn’t my bias ever mention ….. Why did the relationship have to be announced?’
You try to put the pieces of the puzzle together but it still doesn’t seem to fit, there are too many loopholes and unanswered questions. You mentally go through all your bias related information/experiences and it feels like a completely new experience with the knowledge of them publicly dating. It feels like watching Inception, The Prestige, The Sixth Sense, Jungle Fish or a mystery film for the second time. You feel as if you’ve been lied to, that all this time there was a completely different agenda, something that you weren’t aware of… you feel betrayed. Thus feeling betrayed leads to feeling upset and negative emotions. So whenever anything that remotely reminds you of this news or your bias, all those negative emotions rush through you leaving you upset, leading you to (in the case of the OP) deleting all their images and potentially anything related to them to remove yourself of these negative emotions. This is your defence mechanism from preventing you from feeling hurt or upset.
“I feel like a loser and a failure as a b2ty”
The aftermath of feeling like crap and lied to your face is feeling more upset and self put down. You are feeling guilty. You question your liability and quality as a fan because YOU FEEL WORSE BECAUSE YOU FELT HURT OR UPSET IN THE FIRST PLACE. You are most likely putting yourself down, feeling like the most pathetic fan who doesn’t support your idol since you feel hurt. You wrestle your own conscience about what you think is inevitable (Idols dating) and your own heart and how you feel about your bias.
kpoprealitycheck: It is announced by their companies that they are dating, this is not a rumour claimed by a fandom. This is as legit as an OTP can get.
Okay so in the media there are some fans who believe this to be noise marketing (which is another topic i will get into one day…) or in other words fake but regardless of whether it is true or not it is upsetting fans which is the issue here.
So what happens now?
Having invested so much time, effort and your heart and soul into your bias you feel left out of a job, left uninterested and just plain upset.
kpopselfrespect: With the touchy subject of idols dating, there are fans who believe that you should respect the fact that idols do date and you are either delusional/butt hurt or not a true fan. Although some of these allegations may be true or not, it still doesn’t necessarily solve the issue here, so here are some suggestions
- Turn back time:
What attracted you to your bias in the first place? Was it that smile, voice, humour, dance or one liner? This was before you knew every little detail of them with your superhuman browsing on the internet, there was still a sense of mystery.
- I have good taste in selecting my bias
When you choose your bias you most likely weren’t the only one, there are thousands of other fans who share the same bias as you. That is not necessarily a bad thing though because this results in more support, fan clubs, fan cams, english subbing groups, blogs, variety shows revolving around your bias. Thus if you weren’t the only who were drawn or attracted to your bias, you can’t help but think that another idol would be attracted to their perfectly sculpted face or appearance.
- Accept your emotions
It is normal to feel upset or hurt, no one is allowed to tell you how you are supposed to feel. Ignore those self righteous fans who believe they know best because ultimately this is about you and your bias, not about living up to everyone’s expectations. You have the right to feel or say whatever you want. Also to those fans who support the news, you have to be considerate of others, don’t ultimately attack other fans no matter how irritating their comments are (eg SHE STOLE MY OPPA), there is always difference of opinion which makes everything much more interesting. Note: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,”- Evelyn Beatrice Hall.
- Take time out
Take a deep breath and catch up with your life. Go for a swim or watch a movie with your friends taking your mind off things may make it easier for you, especially if you’re engaging in fun activities. Remember K-pop is an interest and it is not your life, go study (okay jokes maybe not) or perhaps go workout. Taking your emotions or aggression out in sport is probably the safest and best thing you can do, run faster, work harder and push yourself. Exercising causes the body to release endorphins which makes your feel good, you’ll definitely feel much better.
- When I’m 30 and I look back upon today
Imagine yourself older and wiser, what advice would you give yourself regarding this issue? Most likely when your 30 you’re probably successful with a career, a lover, a family and reading parenting books, you’ll probably have forgotten about this issue.
- You are not a failure
You cannot beat and put yourself down since you feel guilty. What have you failed at? You have been a dedicated fan whose been following and supporting your bias for quite some time now. Although your bias has made you happier and a better person you have to put up with what you think is negative aswell which is them dating. ‘The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!’- Dolly Parton
- Some things don’t change
Your bias dating someone doesn’t change the fact that they’re still not a good person. If anything it just shows that they’re human and they’re not heartless nor forever alone (lawls). This doesn’t change the fact that they have an amazing singing voice, their dance abilities or lovable personality which appealed to you in the first place.
However the other thing that doesn’t change are fans. The couple would obviously be a trending topic in the media thus would be frequently referenced or mentioned alot therefore making it nearly impossible to ignore or be in denial about this. You may just have to understand that this may happen alot but it is up to you whether you want to read it or engage in those conversations.
As cliche as this might sound, time will heal you! It is the most effective strategy.
- Moving On
Eventually you will be able to move on from this news, it may not be easy or immediate but issues like this make you appreciate the fun and games in the kpop fandom.
However if you do not move on or feel that you are scarred then I think it’s time to move on from your bias or take some time out before coming back to it. You may want to talk to someone you feel comfortable with or a counsellor.
Disclaimer: This is clearly commentary and personal opinion written by me. You may or may not agree with what I have to say. I do not claim my article to be accurate rather advice and opinion.
Other: Idols in kpop media who have publicly announced that they are dating.
Actress Shin Se Kyung and SHINee’s Jonghyun had the relationship was announced to the public. They have since recently broken up.
KARA’s Goo Hara and B2ST/BEAST’s Junhyung.
Supreme Team’s Simon D and Lady Jane are dating in public.